


I hated everything.

by v__tori



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-21 09:25:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6046474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/v__tori/pseuds/v__tori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Family doesn't die, you thought. Your brothers don't die. That's a thing that happens only a long time from now, so it might as well not matter, you thought.</p><p>But it did matter. It mattered more than anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I hated everything.

**Author's Note:**

> a mixture of headcanons and things i remember from canon (it's been a while, sorry) from shima's point of view.

You never thought it'd happen. It seemed so far away that it might as well never happen. Family doesn't die, you thought. Your brothers don't die, your friend's parents don't die, people you know don't die. That's a thing that happens only a long time from now, so it might as well not matter, you thought.

But it did matter. It mattered more than anything.  


You don't actually remember much.  
  
Whether it was because you were too young to remember, because you blocked it out, or a mixture of both, you don't remember. You don't remember your brother's face, much less his voice. They do say their voice is the first thing you forget. All you know about him is that he went out and died, and all the things he had, all the things he hoped to have...  
  
They went to you.  
  
You're going to be great. You're going to serve Myouda well. You're going to step up, and be everything he never had a chance to be.  
  
You didn't have a choice.  
  
You hated it.  
  
Maybe hate wasn't the right word. Maybe saying you hated it was too harsh, but it was the word that fitted what you felt the best. Sometimes, they would spend periods of time without reminding you to work harder. But it never lasted long.  
  
All of it just killed any motivation you had to 'work harder'.  
  
It wasn't too long until your family scolded you every time they saw you. 'All you do is talk to girls,' they'd say, 'why don't you just do something useful for once?'  
  
Girls were pretty. They didn't scold you. A lot of them were nice, and tried to get to know you. Before you said something that angered them, anyway.  
  
Your family wanted you to be someone who was dead.  
  
Lazy.  
  
You heard it a lot. You hated the word, hated how it sounded, and how it rolled off their tongues so easily. So easily you started to hate them too.  
  
Begin to stray from the path they oh so carefully laid out for you, get scolded. Do nothing, get scolded. Hear them praise your friends, who work hard, who are good at what they do. 'Why aren't you like them?'  
  
One of your friends barely talks to his parents. The other has none. Somehow, you feel like there is a correlation there.  
  
Your friends knew you stopped trying a long time ago. Didn't stop them from nagging you, or sighing every time you ignored schoolwork for girls. They were still your friends.  
  
One day, someone showed up. Someone that made an offer to your family (no, not to you. Never you.), saying that you could be of use. You could infiltrate an organization, and give information to the Order.  
  
That made you thrilled. Excited. Something fun to do! And it was an actual job!  
  
They tried to deny it for you. Too dangerous. They cared, didn't they? Too bad for them you did not.  
  
You took the job.  
  
You couldn't remember the last time you felt so alive. So ready to actually work. They couldn't monitor a spy 24/7 without risking getting caught. They wouldn't take that risk. You were free.  
  
You could do whatever you wanted, as long as you gathered information and didn't get caught.  
  
And for that, you were ready to abandon everything. So you did.  
  
But you got pulled back to them. After you kidnapped one of them. After you fought them. After you betrayed them. You got back, ready to be scrutinized. And yet, the first thing you received was a very, very aggressive hug.  
  
Yes, there was humiliation after.  
  
Yes, they were mad.  
  
But they saved you from torture anyway. For reasons you couldn't comprehend, some of the people you abandoned still trusted you.  
  
And you hated it so much, that they were so willing to forgive, that they wouldn't just go away. You wanted to hate them, you really did, but they didn't know.  
  
They didn't know why you took the job, why you was so nonchalant about everything. There was no one to blame, because as far as they could see, you were really just a lazy guy who has duties from his family to fulfill. They didn't realize how much you loathed life, _why_ you loathed life.  
  
Expressing all of that accurately in words took too much effort.

So instead, you said you hated everything. 

Because in a way, you did.

**Author's Note:**

> i cry about him every day and i get mad at him every day its an neverending cycle of bad someone save me


End file.
